Chapter Four: Everything Will Change, but Love Remains the Same
My heart hasn't been beating this strong in a long, long time, I think to myself as I hurry along the sidewalk, nearly running to Allyson's house. I can still feel the blush consuming my face and the heat gushing out from my body. My arms fold themselves uncomfortably— my skin is extremely bothersome and inconvenient, it seems. I want to get this burden of my chest. I can't believe I just almost did that. My throat tightens and I swallow hard, forcing out the quivers hat still held onto me. I wish it was a little cooler out. I hope Allyson is still able to talk to me. What time is it anyway? Damn… I must've stayed with Adam for a few hours—it's really dark out. We had lost track of time, space, and everything in between. For however long I was with Adam, we forgot about everything else. It was just one thing leading to another; embracing to kissing, kissing to touching, touching to roaming bodies, roaming bodies to shedding clothes, and shedding clothes to… whatever it was that happened…
I reach her house in a matter of minutes and I hesitate knocking on the door, but I see her from the corner of my eyes through the bay window in the living room, and she comes to the door, wearing her pajamas and with her hair wet from a recent shower. Again I wonder how long exactly Adam and I were… together. Allyson slips on flip-flops and heads out onto her porch to talk to me.
"What's up?" she asks, furrowing her eyebrows with confusion, "It's freezing, aren't you cold?" I blink at her a couple times, taking the time to measure how I really feel—yep, I'm hot, but apparently it's just me.
"No," I shake my head, clasping my hands together, "Can we talk?" She reaches inside for a second, grabbing a sweatshirt to put on then offers us to sit down on the steps.
"Everything okay?" she looks at me in concern, shoving her hands into the hoodie's pocket.
"Yeah," I lie, "I just want to talk." I hope I'm pulling sincerity off.
"Okay," she accepts warily. "What do you want to talk about then?" I sigh and shake my head, brushing out my knotted hair with my fingers.
"I don't know, really. Anything, I guess." She hums in response, thinking. I can tell she's having a hard time coming up with something, so I dig deep into my clouded mind and pull out, "How about David?" She nods her head.
"I think he's pretty cool," she says, now putting up the hood. I scoot a little closer to her to hopefully warm her up and get the heat out of me. "He and Rose really hit it off." I nod.
"Yeah." I wait for a moment, thankful that this side conversation is helping me calm down a bit. Just a bit. "I feel bad for snapping at him, though." Allyson waves me off and shakes her head.
"I'm sure he accepted your apology," she reassures, "He told Rose that you were really nice."I smile a little bit.
"That's good. At least he knows I'm not always like that."
Huh. What am I truly like these days? Adam texted me that he never gets to see my good side anymore, and that I should try to be nice to him. Well, wasn't I being nice to him just a half an hour ago? Butterflies pour back into my stomach like they were long lost buddies and a frenzy of tingling sensations tickle my insides. I clutch my side and turn the other direction away from Allyson to hide the redness that's about to cover my face.
I had held onto Adam for dear life. I never wanted to let him see my cutting scars in such a way, when we were having such a nice little moment. The look on his face when he asked me what they were… That was just too much. When I had told him I loved him, I realized how badly I wanted to say it, how good it felt to say it. It was almost better than hearing him say it to me. And when he kissed me like that, with passion and love and protection, I molded right into his hands which were grabbing me everywhere in such a way that I thought that he was trying to keep me together. I could not get enough of that. Having him touch me is like getting hugged by a rainbow (if that's even imaginable). It was so wonderfully painful to allow him to hold me and caress my lips again that I gave in and released my pride and started to demand more of him. And by god, did he give me more…
Allyson wiggles against my side to receive more body heat—she's in luck, mine just doubled.
"Do you know why David was in Adam's rehab with him?"
"Well, he was a really bad cutter," I inform her quietly with a lot of reserve.
"I don't ever want you to hurt yourself again," Adam said to me after he led me to his bed then started kissing the letters carved into my arm with tears still in my eyes.
I shiver. Allyson's demeanor seems to drop as well.
"Geez," she mutters, staring at her feet.
"Yeah," I swallow, bringing my knees up to my chest. My arms begin to sting with the memory of when I was driven to that point.
"Why was he doing it?" she asks. I'm a little caught off guard, and I put my hand at the back of my neck.
"Mmm," I mumble, "I'm not sure. I think Adam said something about abandonment issues." A chill goes down my spine. David and I have quite a bit in common, don't we? I'd probably bet that I had abandonment issues as well, and wasn't the fact that Adam left my reasoning to hurt myself?
When our feet didn't want to support our shaking bodies anymore, Adam reluctantly pulled away from me and suggested we should go inside. Without a conscience, I agree and we went through the back door, luckily not seeing his parents or Neil as we quietly made our way to his room. Being in there again after moving out made my head spin, so I quickly took a seat on his bed. Adam softly shut the door and locked it, walked up to me and gently took my shaking hands into his, and he looked me in the eye.
"Tommy," he whispered desperately, "Please come to me before you do that again, or go to anybody. Just don't do that again." I couldn't think. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry for doing it and that I wouldn't have if I had gotten a chance to see him (but that wasn't really his fault and I don't blame him, and it probably would have came out that way). I knew he was waiting for some sort of a response from me, but I was basically paralyzed. My heart wanted nothing more, nothing less than to give and receive love to mend itself back to health. And when Adam reached up to my face, holding it so damn caringly that I forgot that I was mad at him, and then when he kissed me again, I let everything go…
"You don't… you don't do that anymore, do you?" Allyson questions. To make sure there's no confusion, I look her in the face as I say;
"No. I haven't done it since the last time when I came over here." Her eyes soften.
"Good. I'm happy to hear that," she comments. Out of the blue, I get really anxious and I can feel the outside cold start to get to me, and my hands get clammy. The words build up behind my tongue, and the memories knock around in my head.
"I've… go to tell you something," I begin, rubbing my temples. She eyes me carefully.
"Okay," she drags out unsurely. I take a deep breath in.
"Adam and I almost had sex," I tell her, my blush exceeding now. It takes a moment for her to have it click in her head and her eyes widen slightly.
"Like you mean just now?" she gasps. I hide my face, feeling almost ashamed. Then I confirm she's right. "Oh my god!" she squeals, getting a little embarrassed look on her face. "How did that happen?" I shake my head, closing my eyes.
"I don't know," I sigh, "I don't know." She blinks at me for a second.
"Well, start from the beginning! This is huge!" she exclaims. I have to agree wholly with that statement.
"He texted me, basically saying that I was being a bitch to him, and I wouldn't take it, so then he demanded that I see him, so I did," I say, trying to explain this as briefly as possible yet with the right amount of needed information for her to understand.
"Yeah, I still don't see how this leads to you two getting it on." If it were some other time, I would have laughed at her saying.
"Well what do you want to know? It's... Kind of a long story..." I say tiredly, just relieved that I got it off my chest.
"I want to know everything. Give me all the details," she commands, "Remember you telling me that I was supposed to help you not go back to him?" My stomach twists in regret. "And I'm pretty sure that having sex with Adam is kind of going back to him."
"I didn't have sex with him," I point out. She rolls her eyes.
"So you say, but I don't know exactly what happened so that's just what I assume from your actions and with the vague and little information you told me." I give her an are-you-kidding-me? look, and she just shrugs it off, hugging herself more to fight of the cold. I sigh and rub the side of my face as wind starts to blow in.
"Fine." I give in to the need of the bubbling emotions threatening to boil over. "So we went over his house to talk, because he said I wasn't being nice to him— but really, am I supposed to be all jolly and cheery whenever I see him?— and we went under his deck in the backyard, and it was pretty awkward, so I said to myself 'What am I doing here?' or something like that and he went off of me saying I was there because I still love him and I want to make this work as much as him—"
"So you do still love him?" Allyson intervenes curiously. I cock an eyebrow.
"Obviously," I say, a little more snarky that I mean to be.
"Well no, it's not obvious. I was starting to wonder that myself," she comments matter-of-factly. I begin to shake my head, but then I realize that she's right. I've been hiding my feelings towards Adam with a huge, solid barrier. I slump down and my shoulders hang low.
"I do love him still," I admit aloud quietly.
Adam slowly kissed me and I could see his arms twitch with the desire to hold me, but they stayed with fingers and hands hanging loosely over my knees as he bent down and pressed his lips to mine. I also fidgeted with my appendages sticking to the side and top of the bed. I was stiff and didn't let myself gradually lay back on the sheets like what was supposed to happen. The battles festering inside me were preventing me from relaxing like I should have, like I was meant to. Then Adam took the initiative to progress that along further, and receded his tongue from my mouth and gently placed it to my neck, causing my hands to fly up to his sides in an attempt to calm my trembling nerves and to search for support. My eyes slipped shut as I felt him breathe on me, and he tentatively pushed us further on the bed, and his knee slid between mine before he wrapped his left arm around my back and carefully laid me down. By that time my heart yearned to be with him and there was no mistaking the so-intense-it-was-tangible desire that we had for each other as it burst about the room louder than my insane thoughts bouncing against the walls of my brain. Adam pampered my neck with his mouth and his hands caressed my arms with a softness that seemed to liquefy them. There were words building up in the back of my throat as a bitter taste, but I couldn't bring myself to force my vocal cords to vibrate, so the letters and syllables ended up falling down and jumbling together as a breathless moan as my scars were kissed deliberately, and Adam whispered tenderly sincere apologies to them...
Allyson is silent for a while, allowing me time to reflect, before she says;
"So what happened after that?" I clear my throat and answer;
"When he said it, it kind of got to me, and then he went on saying that he loved me and like... that got to me too because I haven't really heard him say it like that in a long, long time, and even though I told him to stop, because I didn't want to feel like that, he held me and we had a really nice little quiet moment when we weren't screaming at each other or trying to think of a comeback or anything, then he saw the scars on my arm." I take in a much needed breath and let her take in what I said.
"Oh," she acknowledges, getting ready to say something more. In the meantime I try and keep the pictures in my head to a minimum. Not really working out so well. "How'd he react?" Hmm. Let's see. How can I put this simply?
"He was devastated," I say. A pang of guilt knots my stomach until I add, "I was kind of being a jerk about it so I think he didn't really know what to do but tell me he was sorry and hug me. I resisted it for a while but then I gave in and told him I loved him too"—(it was such a relief to say it out loud)—"Then he kissed me." If I really try, I can still feel the energy of it and the sparks bursting on my lips. Adam sure as hell knows how to kiss, and our unquestionable chemistry makes it even better.
"So that's how it started, then?" Allyson clarifies and I nod. "But you two were just kissing—"
"Yeah, and kissing leads to babies," I mutter, "at least for non-gay relationships." Even at this time Allyson giggles and I can't help but smile a bit. "But anyway," I say to get back on track, "When you put me and Adam together then throw kissing in, it just escalates," I admit a bit embarrassedly, blushing under the dark of the thickening night.
"I thought you two only had sex once, though?" I sigh and shake the butterflies in my tummy away.
"We did, but we've been close to doing more than that a bunch of times."
"Then wasn't this kind of normal?" she says. The statement takes me back. It was kind of usual, wasn't it? I stare off into space.
"I guess," I sigh quietly, "but... Wait. No it's not. We're broken up. There should not be anything like that going on. Especially when he hurt me so bad..."
"Then how'd it happen? How'd you let it happen?" she asks suspiciously, turning towards me. It makes me fluster and my cheeks get red again.
"I couldn't stop him," I just about whisper. "I felt like I wanted him so bad..."
Adam put my hands on his waist and continued to suckle on my neck, putting red in my face and a kick in my heart. My body tingled and my stomach flipped and yanked me closer to Adam in a most pleasantly nauseating way. I craved his touch so much, and he gave it to me fast and plentifully, shoving the emotions down my throat at a sickening pace. My lips stayed parted to pant gently as I squirmed around beneath Adam's weight once he started to lay himself down on me, trapping me amid his heat and the coolness of the satin sheets.
"I'm sorry for ever hurting you, Tommy," Adam whispered with raw pain, lifting up his head to palm the back of my neck and look me in the eye. I watched him intently, soaking up the beauty of his face, the closeness of our skin. "I'm sorry for leaving you." A skim of water glassed his eyes over and he kissed me shortly before glancing away as a tear jumped over his cheek. I frowned and reached up to his face, trailing my fingers smoothly up along his jaw.
"It's okay," I murmured, still hating, no matter how much I denied it, him crying. He shook his head and ran his fingers through my hair.
"It's not okay," he told me, staring off into space, "Nothing should ever make you so sad or angry or whatever to make you hurt yourself." Another tear slid down his face and onto my shirt. I bit my lip. I couldn't look at him in the face anymore.
"I was stupid to do that," I said quietly, hoping somehow he would just drop the subject. It makes me depressed to even think about that time.
"Yeah, but you're not stupid like that just out of the blue..." he trailed off, shakily taking his hands to my arms again, holding them. I swallowed hard.
"No, but don't blame yourself for it... It was my fault too, even more so than yours," I tried to convince him, but he was too deep in the clouds to come out, and his eyes hung low. My lips pursed tightly together. Even though I was heartbroken by him, I didn't want to do the same back; I was just done with him. But if being done with him meant hurting him, then... then I didn't want to do that. "Adam I forgive you," I suddenly burst out, holding my tongue once it was out there. I mentally thanked myself for not being specific. His face lightened up and the tears stopped, and though he wasn't smiling, I could see how happy he was.
"You have no idea how much that means to me," he said under his breath, and I think he didn't really mean for me to hear it, but didn't care if I did either way. I pulled him down and molded our mouths together heatedly, groaning with overwhelming feelings of being reunited as we tacitly agreed to forget what happened between us recently, and to let the love for one another flourish...
"Did you actually want to go all the way, though?" Allyson questions, bringing me back to reality. It takes me a moment to think of an honest answer, and I end up stuttering;
"I— I don't know. I really don't know... I mean I— I guess I did, but I'm the one who stopped it. I think I probably would have kept going if we didn't have school tomorrow and if his parents weren't home." I stop there, but I feel deep inside there's more to it than that. I would have done it even though all the factors that should have made me not want to were still there. I just really want to know why I didn't want to do it, why I stopped it from going any further. Me wanting it was not a problem; me not wanting it was the problem.
"Then was Adam willing to go all the way?"
I shrug, "Yeah. He's the one that kind of led everything. I sort of just... followed his lead." Allyson's presence suddenly feels uncomfortable, and she squirms and shifts in her spot. Then, as if she was forcing herself to, she says;
"Do you... Do you think he took advantage of you?" My eye twitches. That word never crossed my mind before, let alone that saying, and even more so not when used in context for me and Adam.
"What?" I ask dubiously, with some sort of strange, little hope that what I heard was wrong.
"Well I mean... If you were in a bad emotional state and couldn't really refuse him because you thought that's what you needed, and he kept going on with what you were doing, even when you didn't really indicate that you wanted it, isn't that kind of maybe taking advantage of you?" she explains hesitantly, studying me for a reaction.
"I..." Throat swelling up, palms sweating, and the real chill of the air striking, I slouch in defeat. I already believe it, but I don't want to. "But it didn't seem that way," I attempt to defend him, and Allyson shakes her head sadly.
"I can't speak for you, or Adam, but for me that's what it sounds like. I'm just giving you my opinion, so you can take it into consideration or just forget about it. Whatever you decide I'll believe." My pulse quickens. So what is it that I decide happened...?
Adam continued to kiss me and his hands began to wander to other places rather than my arms and neck. His fingers trailed my sides and I let go of him to unzip my jacket and he sat on his knees to do the same, still trying to keep our mouths connected, barely succeeding. He threw his off and helped me with the rest of mine, given the position I was in, then discarded mine as well. He proceeded to snake his hands up my shirt, and I grabbed his forearms for an unknown reason. He paused for a moment, looked at me looking away, then pecked my cheek, then my jaw, then my chin, and I loosened up and let him push my shirt up. The feeling of vulnerability and openness had become unfamiliar to me, and once he removed my top completely I got self-conscious and blushed like mad, wanting nothing else that to curl up and shy away. Adam saw that, and quickly took off his own clothing, then placed himself on top of me. The skin on skin, chest to chest, stomach on stomach feeling was indescribable, and that's when I knew how much I actually missed him. I missed all this touching and kissing and loving. I missed Adam.
"I missed you too," Adam whispered into the crook of my neck, rubbing his hands along my ribs. I turned redder, not knowing I had said anything out loud. He started kissing my chest and I gripped onto his hair, slightly arching my back to his lips subconsciously. My legs spread a bit wider and he moved himself between them. My fingers got tangled in his fading locks, and I vaguely noticed the roots coming up, thinking Is he letting himself go? But then I glanced over him and saw all the muscles twisting and working underneath his skin, grabbed them to feel their tightness, and then decided that he probably just forgot about his hair.
"Can I ask you something?" Adam said, breaking the ever tensing silence. I kept my left hand in his hair and I put my right on his hip. He looked at me and I nodded my head, waiting patiently for him, which was more than my heart could say; the damn thing wouldn't slow down, and then it even picked up faster as he dipped his thumb in between my collarbone and then over the ridges of my ribs again. "Did you stop eating when I was gone, too?" We held a staring contest, neither of us wanting to be the one to look away first. I attempted to swallow the lump in my throat and Adam seemed to hold his breath.
"Yeah," I admitted unwillingly. He shook his head somewhat and frowned.
"You're eating now, though, right?" he asked sadly, moving aside a piece of my hair.
"Yeah," I repeated, getting apprehensive suddenly. I didn't want to talk right then. I wanted to ignore words and get rid of them for that moment. Without words you can accomplish so much more in the world of love. Actions speak better, and as Adam talked he didn't really do much.
"You— Do you want—" he stammered, appearing to struggle with what he was trying to say. I didn't stop him, but I was getting a little annoyed, not wanting to come to my senses and get out of the bed just yet. Eventually he gave up and I accepted that gratefully, relishing in the quietness as he nibbled and licked my neck, creating heat amid our naked love as he glided across me...
I shift anxiously in my spot, and, not wanting to disclose anything yet, I stand up from the steps and walk down them to the ground. Allyson sits up and tilts her head, calling;
"What are you doing?" Goosebumps start to litter my arms and I shiver from the cold as the heat of Adam and I's passion faded away completely.
"I-I've got to go. I need to be at home before Stan knows I'm gone," I say blankly, walking away backwards.
"Are you okay?" Allyson asks, getting to her feet. I wave a hand toward her and laugh almost deliriously;
"I'm fine." I clear my throat, glancing away. "I'm fine. I just gotta go. I should let you get to bed too, it's late. I'll… see you tomorrow," I say, walking away before she could ask more questions or stop me.
I get home, sneaking through the door quietly then throwing myself into my room and onto my bed, staring up at the ceiling in the dark. My heart starting to sprint again and images flashed behind my eyes.
Adam's hands got greedier and his eyes were half lidded with lust, devouring me hungrily. My bottom lip stayed pinched between my teeth as he kissed me lower than my chest, and my nails scratched his shoulders as pleasures undulated though me and were too powerful to handle. There was something that kept nagging me in the back of my mind as things got more heated and more intense and I could never relax fully. My knees tried to press themselves together but Adam was there between them, grinding into my hips slightly, possibly unintentionally, and somehow it made me uneasy. He took his hands and grabbed my hips, palming them roughly. I tried to really get into it as much as Adam was, but not matter how hard I did I still couldn't go wholeheartedly with anything that I did, other than kiss him (because that was always easy). He started to slide his fingers under my pants and I pushed him to the side with my leg rather harshly, sending him into my other leg that was propped up. He lifted his head and stared at me indecisively, pink in the cheeks and eyes slightly wide.
"I—I thought—" he fumbled out, holding himself up by putting his hands on either side of me on the mattress. I turned my head so that my cheek was on the blankets, closing my eyes.
"I thought so too," I uttered, swallowing the tension in my throat again to no avail. I stopped him on impulse—shouldn't that be an internal sign to me?
"So does that mean—?"
"I don't know what it means," I snapped interjectionally, putting my hands on my hot head in hopes to cool it down. Adam raised his eyebrows and lifted himself off of me and sat on his knees. I didn't have the energy (and I didn't want a reason to look at Adam) to move my legs around him so I just flattened them out and stayed on my back, not looking at him.
"Do you not want me to—" he began to ask innocently, but I cut him off with;
"I think when I pushed you that meant that I didn't want you to." He sighed deeply and rubbed his face, subtly wiping off the little skim of sweat that collected above his brow.
"Sorry, I was just making sure," he said defensively. I breathed deeply, trying to get it back to normal. Glancing at him from time to time, I could tell he was debating on whether or not to say something more or to just leave it. Things from there on got extremely awkward and we didn't really say much after that. I gradually sat up and he repositioned himself so that he was cross-legged on his rear, and we ended up sitting there for who knows how long trying not to look at each other or move too much, still flushed from the events that were (and about to) occur. I didn't really get (or want to take) a chance to explain to him that this didn't mean that I was okay with him breaking up with me and how our relationship was now, and that it was just a fluke that it happened.
"Do you want me to walk you home?" he asked, breaking the thickening silence. I shook my head, getting off the bed and picking up my shirt and belt from the floor.
"No, that's okay, I'll be fine," I mumbled, heading out the door once I put on the articles of clothing on, and before I left Adam called;
"Tommy… I love you." Guilt swam in my stomach, and all I could manage to say was;
"I know." And then I left, proceeding to Allyson's house…
I drag myself out of the bus, tired from a near sleepless night. I make my way over to where Allyson and David stand and give my best good-morning smile to all of them. Allyson pulls me away for a moment and asks, "Everything go okay when you got home?" I still feel kind of bad for leaving her last night like that.
"Yeah. Stan was sleeping so he didn't notice, thankfully." She pushes her eyebrows together.
"Have you decided yet?" I was just about to answer her when Adam and Rose get off their own bus and headed towards us. I freeze up and blush from memories and uncomfortableness as they approach, and Adam and I lock eyes. He smiles genuinely at me and I can't take it, feeling sick to my stomach so I turn away.