Call Me Crazy 22.0

Chapter Twenty-two: You Got Me Trippin' Super Psycho Love
*Adam's POV*



After Tommy left I didn't have any classes to go to so I decided to head over to the library. It was the only place where I could find an escape from my head in a quiet, safe place. I wasn't ready to go back to my room, anyway. When I wanted to go to bed is when I needed to let the sweet memories of I and Tommy be fresh in my mind as soon as I would see those disorganized sheets to relish in the reminiscence of his soft touch. That's when I would need it more. But right then I needed to clear my head of the heartache of goodbye.

There were thousands of books to get lost in, and many of which were encouraging and full of self-help tips. I've already gotten a chance to see some of the genres and look through the shelves. Even if I don't read anything, just looking at titles and some cover art takes me away from the reality of this place. That night I was flipping through random things in the romance section. A lot were cliché, a lot were ones that were too girly, even for me, but I still found it interesting to see what kind of situations the authors would put their characters in. Sometimes I feel like my life could be some great novel or movie. It just seems too surreal to be completely true. And, it kind of gives me a little bit more hope on the future because I don't know about anyone else, but personally I've never seen or read anything that had a sad ending, or one that had no bright side (well… there was one, Requiem for a Dream, but that's nothing like my life). So if I just pretended my life was a book, could I pretend that I was the author too?

Someone walked in through the door and absentminded curiosity lifted my head. It turned out to be David, so I put the book back in its place and decided to walk over to him. The closer I looked at him the more I noticed something wasn't right. His demeanor was off of the usual, and his face was stricken with a look of pain that I could easily recognize.
"Hey, David," I called to him softly, walking over to him. He whipped his head up to me and the agony in his eyes was paralyzing me.
"Adam, I was looking for you," he said weakly. His hands were shaking as he played with his fingers.
"Let's go somewhere else, okay?" I offered, starting to get really worried about my friend. He barely managed to agree with me with the nod of his head, though he was out the door ahead of me, rubbing his forearms uncontrollably. He looked around frantically for a place to go, beginning to look desperate. I was going to tell him we could go to my room but then he pulled me into a private bathroom down the hall and locked the door. It was fairly large and clean and very plain and very white, save for the black camera bolted to the ceiling. I knew there was at least two of these rooms for the people with various types of anxiety and phobias and other things like that, but luckily for us there wasn't anyone in here or waiting to get in.

David backed up into the wall opposite the sink and toilet and kept himself snug in the corner.
"I can't take it anymore," he stated. I noticed he was raking and digging his nails into his arms, leaving lines of dark red on top of the fading scars that were finally healing. I wanted to just take his arms and hold them so he couldn't do anymore damage, but I was almost scared to. I didn't want to stress him out any more that he already was.
"Just tell me what happened," I said, forcing myself to look into his eyes instead of him arms.
"Ruby is going back home…" he trailed off, looking to the ground with tears in his eyes. "A-and now I have no one left"—he sank his nails into his skin and move or let up, creating deeper and deeper indents—"and I'm never going to get out of here because everyone thinks I'm fucking psycho and doesn't need someone to just talk to and be loved by."

I grabbed him gently and held him tightly as if on instinct. He slowly unraveled his arms around me and cried into my shoulder silently with raw, painful emotions. Despite everything, I myself was feeling small and just… wrong. What did I do to get here? I almost jumped off a bridge because I had a fight with my boyfriend. Does that even seem to compare with what David is/was going through? I've had some pretty serious group sessions with him where he's explained (and almost broke down while doing so) how it feels to him to cut himself. It's absolutely heartbreaking. He says that he'd rather make his arms burn so bad to the point where he'd pass out from the pain than to have to be abandoned again and have to deal with the burning hole in his heart. I've almost cried during a few of his statements. He has real problems and he needs them to get solved more than I have to with mine.  I'd rather be spending my time here getting him better and finding him love than having him waste his time waiting for me to open up a slot so he can get some therapy. I felt like such a jerk.

"I wish I never started," he sobbed into me, curling fistfuls of my shirt into his fingers. "I never wanted to be like this." I held the back of his trembling head in my palm, closing my eyes and hoping he would feel better. I wanted to ask so many questions. What made you start? When did you start? Why do you do it? Is there anything I can do to help you? None of them would do any good in a situation like this so I kept my mouth shut. I always said that you can't get better if no one knows what's wrong. I never realized it until just then that I was a hypocrite. Didn't I bottle up everything inside that bothered me until it just burst out with no control, and then not know why nothing was working or refuse to let people in my safety bubble? In the long run it hurts me. And I know, especially from the dark, twisting fear in the pit of my stomach, that what is inside now will explode with such emotional power that nothing will be able to stop it. Unless, that is, I get it out now. But I've never done anything like that on my own will. 99 percent of the time it just slips.  I don't know how the hell I'm supposed do that. I would talk to Tommy about it, but there are multiple problems with that. One, I wouldn't know what could come out of my mouth and some things aren't meant to be said to him; two, I'm kind of trapped here until only God knows when; and three, I don't want to put all that pressure and stress on him to listen to me. And those are just the ones I could think of off the bat.

Just as David started to lessen his shaking there was a knock at the door that almost made me jump out of my skin. David only squeezed me tighter and my frown grew.
"Please open the door, we need to see what's going on," a soft, gentle-giant type voice said through the door and I instantly knew it to be of Mr. Garbern's. The camera, my conscious told me.
"David, it's okay, it's just Mr. G., he can talk this out with you," I tried to tell him encouragingly, rubbing one of my hands up and down his back. His heart pounded against the back of his ribs.
"Adam I don't want to," he whined desperately, clinging onto me for dear life. It made me not want to let him go. I was protective over him. He'd become my friend and now I have to act like one. "Please don't leave me. I can't take another person leaving me. I don't want to be alone." I glanced down at him. His tears weren't letting up at all.
"Adam, David, just let me in and we can work everything out," he called to us again, turning the locked handle. David pulled back some and looked up at me with red, puffy eyes. He just looked so… sad. Like, the most insane version of sad ever. They reminded me of Tommy's when he stopped me at the bridge. I couldn't let them stay like that.
"I'll make sure I can stay with you, okay?" I assured him, feeling obligated to be with him for as long as it took to get him comfortable by himself again. "But I've got to tell him. I'm gonna let him in, okay?"

After a brief moment of acceptance, I shuffled over with one arm still around him and unlocked the door, allowing Mr. G. to swing it open. He paused, staring at us, and so did the two other females that stood behind him. I gave him a pleading look as David started to hiccup. Mr. Garbern studied us for a moment, checked his watch that he was wearing, and sighed, rubbing his temples.
"You two start heading towards David's room and I'll talk to you there," he stated, stepping out of the way to let us through. I slowly started walking with David grappling my side as we did so. I knew why we went to his room instead of mine—his was closer to Mr. G.'s office and the nurse's. And they probably monitored his more than mine. I already got bumped down a few levels because they determined that I was no longer suicidal so now I was only staying to get evaluated, which I knew was the majority of why I came. But David was here under suicide watch in addition to getting tested for various disorders. When he showed up at the library I was surprised because I didn't think they would just let someone on that kind of protection wander around. He must've lied or snuck out.

When we got to his room, he was still crying a little and he sill hugged my side. His door was open and I had to stop for a moment and take a look at the difference between his and mine. All that settled there was a bed without a stand and a rounded bin that appeared to be made out of the same material as children play sets, and instead of a single camera there was three. Well, one was right outside his room, but still. Whoa. And I thought I was living in a prison cell. I hated to think he would ever have to be here alone, but apparently he does—I can understand why he's starting to lose his head.
"Hey, just go lay down and I'll be with you in a second, okay? I promise," I told him into his ear as Mr. G. tapped my shoulder. He was reluctant but I knew that he trusted me so eventually he let go and sulked over to his bed on quivering legs. He sat down and hugged himself, unblinkingly watching the ground as he rocked himself. I forced myself to rip my eyes away and pull the door nearly shut to have some privacy. I folded my arms impatiently. "Well?" I blurted out, wanting nothing more than to get back in there. The man's face showed compassion and empathy, appearing for both me and David, and stress lines formed between his eyebrows. Normally I would be subtly gawking at his handsomeness but at the moment I was ready to get him out of my sights.
"Because I trust you," he began firmly, although talking quietly enough so that David couldn't hear, "you can sleep in his room tonight with him. Only to make sure he doesn't try anything." He glanced past me for a second to try and see through the little space that was left available from the door. "Keep an eye on him. I'm going to make sure they watch you two, and if you think you can't handle anything just do some sort of signal for one of the cameras. Either one or both of you come by my office at 8 o'clock. Got it?" His commands were out of care, even if they did sound intimidating to outside members.

I nodded in agreement, honestly thinking the terms were fair. He patted my shoulder in a thankful way and left. I went back in and closed the door behind me, instantly walking over to David's side. He watched me without saying a word, now semi-lying down witch his shoulders and head being propped up by a pillow and an extra sheet. Every now and then as I progressively crawled onto the bed on the side closest to the wall a tear would drop down his cheek to his already soaked shirt collar. A light blush was forming onto his cheeks as I got nearer. This wasn't the most comfortable situation and I was sure he was feeling a bit awkward. I'd bet any money that there was never a time where another guy was in his bed together with him that wasn't a relative. But I knew and he knew that this wasn't anything sexual and that he needed this right now. And if he didn't care then I didn't care.

"Do you want to get changed or anything before you get situated?" I asked, sitting on my knees in the middle length of his bed. He was wearing jeans and a pretty snug shirt. But all he did was shake his head and say weakly;
"Its fine." His voice cracked.
"Okay," I said, not really believing him but who was I to determine that? He still followed my moves as I slid up next to him and pulled up the covers over both of us. I slipped underneath them carefully and nearly as soon as my head hit the pillow he was up against my chest with nothing but the intent to feel loved. His head fit right under my chin so I couldn't see his face. I slung my arm over his back and pulled him close and his arms folded on my chest. In seconds his fingers got tangled in my shirt again and he whined as tears started streaming. I held his head and my muscles strained hugging him so securely. I cannot stand when innocent people cry, especially this way. I wanted to take all his heartache away and let him feel safe and happy. That's all I wanted to ever do with Tommy, and I can't right now. So it was my absolute mission to make David know that he can trust me and lean on me as much as he wants. I miss protecting someone. I miss making someone feel good. I will starve myself and go without sleeping until I pass out to save David.


It was hours before David calmed completely, but I was so wracked with fear and determination that I only got about a half an hour of shuteye before I jerked myself awake (thanks to one of those stupid dreams where you're running and you fall). I didn't want to wake up, but once I took a look at the clock I realized that I had to in order to keep up my part of the deal with Mr. G. My eyelids were heavy and dry and they kept slipping down but I kept them open. But what I didn't do right away was wake the sleeping boy wrapped in my arms. For once in a long while he looked at peace. And I did not want to disturb that state. I ran my fingers through his short, dark hair and kissed the top of his head. It was something my mom always did with me as a kid, and I found it to be simple yet effective, even if he wasn't conscious of it. I would run to my room and just throw some mismatching outfit on if it means that David could enjoy this moment of stillness for a little bit longer. Hell, I wouldn't even brush my hair.

He stirred in my arms and I found myself holding in my breath. My heart beat just a little bit faster and I froze. Sweet little innocent noises escaped his lips as his slumber was leisurely dissolving. Though his chest expanded evenly and without obstruction and that made me happy. I felt his muscles gradually loosen and he moved lightly against me. It reminded me of when I would hold Tommy and he would gently shift to get closer and press a kiss to the side of my neck. It created a deep longing and I stared off into the distance, slowly realizing that David was filling in for Tommy.
"Adam…" his soft yet broken voice said drowsily with an almost shocked hint in there. I looked down at him and our faces were very close together and he blushed like mad.
"Hmm?" I responded shortly, checking for signs of distress in his eyes.
"Nothing…" he trailed off shyly, twisting slightly to slide his leg out from under mine. "It's just… You stayed." The spark of life and hope that lit up his face for a miniscule of a second made me so relieved.

I smiled a little and nodded, moving my arm back to my own space. He seemed better, in the least, and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable by having myself sprawled all over him. While our chests were still together I felt his heart quicken right before he moved away. Though, his delicate hands still stayed as he commented;
"Thank you. It… really means a lot to me." If we were dating or if he was gay it'd seem like the perfect moment for a kiss but that was not the case, not even close, but I was content with how it went.
"I'd do it again if you really want me to," I told him, beginning to push myself up on my shoulder. I rubbed my eye and yawned, just now really feeling drained. David kept his head on the pillow as I sat up, watching me, and even though his reactions lifted my spirits up my heart was sinking fast. Not even his look of awe could float it.

"So uh…  Mr. Garbern wants to see you in his office at eight," I said, holding the back of my neck. I tried to look at him in the face as I talked but his cute little figure distracted me, and then even more so was his arms. There were leftover irritation marks littered across them from his nails and for some reason his old scars appeared like doubles. It was making me nauseous. "I-I can go with you if you want." I played with my hair and focused on his pretty hazel eyes.
"I think I'm okay," he sighed, rolling over to his back to stare up at the ceiling. He blew a meaningful, unique kiss to the air. I could tell his throat was tightening as I saw him try to swallow.
"Are you sure? I have no problem," I offered again, not being totally convinced with his new confidence.
"Yeah," he said slowly, folding his arms, "I need to explain what went on." He looked back at me and paused. "Once I'm ready I'll tell you too. I think I owe you that much." I shook my head.
"You don't owe me anything, David. I'm just happy you aren't—" I stopped myself. I was going to say "clawing yourself" but then I realized that it wasn't the most pleasant thing to say. My mouth went dry. "—Crying," I finished, hopefully not looking like an idiot. He blushed again.
"And that's why I can't just let you go without any consolation," he protested. I wanted to jump on him and say "I've got my old David back!" He always had this spitfire, caring attitude and I was actually glad he defended his choice.
"Okay. Whatever you want is what you'll get," I smiled, patting his leg. The corner of his mouth, I swear, turned up.

I walked him to Mr. G's office and he gave me a hug before he went in. As the door closed, all the feelings in my body left. My mind absently thought about David's situation and it nerved me. Because he missed his girlfriend he began to mutilate himself. I miss Tommy a lot, don't I? Is it impossible that I would do that? The answer was no, and the more I dwindled on it the more my stomach dropped. My palms began to shake. I heard clacking of heels and saw Miss Truelez walking down the hall to her room. I couldn't stop myself from running up to her.
"Miss T., I need to talk to you," I said, standing behind her as she put the key into the lock.
"Oh, Adam, good morning. Yes, of course," she agreed. She was probably shocked to see me there, actually asking to be with her because normally I couldn't get out of her room fast enough. When we walked inside I felt awkward for just being there, nearly begging to speak, but also because words started to build up against my tongue and they were pounding on my teeth to get out.

She set her things down and sat in her desk for a change, gesturing for me to sit. She put on her glasses and folded her arms, saying softly;
"Alright Adam, go when you're ready." As soon as she said it I began to freak out.
"Yesterday David started to break down and it was the first time I saw him so broken," I told her. My heart raced my thoughts. "It scared me. What if I end up like that with scars all over my arms? What if I go crazy and start doing things like that? What if we broke up and I couldn't handle it? What if I can't control myself and I become like him…?" They were all almost surreal to think about, but nothing is impossible. David was a normal kid once with clear skin and smiles. Then it changed. I liked to think that I would never self-harm, but then again, didn't I try to commit suicide? Isn't that worse? Haven't I already passed that point? Though, the most terrible notion of them all was my last outburst. The very thought of me turning into Charlie frightened me almost more than the thought of breaking up with Tommy. And if you can't tell, that's fucking terrifying. But what I realized was that if I became another Charlie then I could end up hurting Tommy more than our separation could. And I couldn't ever hurt Tommy like that—not now, not in the future, not ever. I would do anything to let him have a pain free, worry free life where his heart was the happiest it could be.

"Adam, everything's going to be okay as long as you believe it will. Plus if you just consider and do what I tell you to, okay? That's why I'm here—to help you. We can work this out together." At this point I was willing to listen to anything, and that moment was when I would do whatever she said to stop myself from hurting myself or anyone else.