Call Me Crazy 13.0

Chapter Thirteen: Words from a Lover
*Tommy's POV*


Oh my god, was all I could think after every single sentence. It was so hard to process from not hearing from him in nearly a month, maybe more. It may not seem long, but when you were in love like we were and if they were gone for the same reasons he was, it was a very, very long and agonizing time. Though I could still imagine his every word being spoken with tender care and the way he wrote the letters so neatly connected. At first I zoomed over the entire two pages, front and back, taking bits and pieces from the sentences like my name and how much Adam loves me and how sorry he was. And when I saw his name… it reminded me of why I put through all of this and why I try anymore. Then I read it over again normally, but the whole shock still delayed. I got more detail, and from slowing down I realized how fast my heart was sprinting and how jagged and shallow my breaths were. The third or fourth time—I don't know, I lost count and didn't care—was when it all hit me. They hit me hard. The experience was all new to me. It was like the whole room dissolved, leaving me on a black nothing to sit and read while I swore I could feel his whisper knowing he wasn't in sight.

It was more than I expected, even if I didn't expect anything anyhow, and some of the things he said were just constantly swimming in my mind since the day he left and somehow he knew that I was thinking those things too, wanting an answer. It nearly killed me every time I periodically checked the date again, not believing that I didn't have this in my hands like he said I would until four weeks after. It was like I let him down, not holding this paper and studying the language of our love or thinking of him as I did like he wanted me to, like he needed me to. Then here I was, earlier thinking that I didn't know him at all and that I would never understand why he tried to end his life when all my questions and doubts were answered and washed away on this sheet. What kind of cruel place was he held hostage at? I mean, he's trying to get through to me. Miscommunication was our problem in the first place. Now they're going to tell me that they're intentionally making it hard to understand what's going on? That's bullshit!

I haven't even seen this place and I already know that it's hell on earth. The way he was describing everything made it seem like our high school's bathroom was more appealing. And he was saying that he was going to ask these evil people to paint something for me? How could they have kept this from me for so damned long?! It wasn't fair to me or Adam. He needs this too; our relationship needs it. If he spilled out his soul onto six pieces of paper about things that he wouldn't usually have the courage or self-confidence to physically say to me, then it's a pretty fucking big deal that I have it, know it word for word and keep in locked away in me for us to grow.

I held the first letters close, keeping them between the new ones and my chest. I had to wipe my eyes finally on my sleeve or else I couldn't see. Closing my eyes, I waited until my hands stopped quaking and I could feel Adam again.

Tommy,


I love you, and more and more each day.

I'm writing this because it's not going very well right now. I was just at a meeting with my therapist and I said things that I couldn't stop and it hurt me so bad to know what I was holding in. I can barely write this. It might be easier for you to read than it is for me, but I still want to do this. You deserve to know everything. I owe you that much.

When Miss Truelez asked me about you, I snapped. Please don't take any of this the wrong way. I know if I was home and this happened I would tell you, so this is the best way I can from here.
Something set me off in that room, and all I could think about was the look on your face when you gave me the guitar-pick necklace that I'm wearing and the kiss you left on my lips before saying goodbye. Those tears from your eyes were one of the hardest things I'd ever had feel because I knew what they were from. I want you to know that I completely forgive you for every single thing that you may feel guilty about. Nothing in this world would ever make me stay angry or disappointed in you. We all make mistakes, I'd done the same thing you did years ago, and I know how much pain I've must've put you though to drive you to that point. I still can't believe I grabbed you like that. If I were you, I would've acted the same way and I understand that, and I know I was being a really big ass and I was hurt but it doesn't excuse the fact. Never, ever in my right of mind would I ever try to force pain on you. I don't want you to feel any more physical hurt, so eat and sleep and take care of yourself. Don't do what I tried. You need to stay strong and feel good and remember our good times while making your own. Have fun. Go hang out with Rose and Allyson because I know you've probably pushed them away, and I totally get that, but they can help. They're great friends and they love you. I love you, so do that for me.

I had to stop. I couldn't take it anymore. This was all too much for me.
You're so stupid Tommy! How could you let the fact that doing all that shit to yourself could hurt Adam? Look at what he's saying! You know that he means everything he's saying, and you're just fucking it all up on your part, my head told me. My face went blank and pale from the feel of it, my stomach suddenly dropped and left with a nauseating curdle. Pursing my lips, the taste of salt seeping through the cracks to my dry tongue, I keenly folded the paper as I took my spot on the page to heart and put the letters back into the envelope. Standing up with wobbling legs I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw Eber leaning with his back against the opposite side of the counter. I didn't bother to clear my face before I tapped his shoulder. Worry lines and sympathy were etched on his face, and it made my voice that much harder to comprehend.
"I'm gonna go to bed," I hoarsely whispered, barely audible to my own ears.

As fast as my feet would take me, I rushed up the stairs to Adam's room, hurriedly tugging his sweatshirt that was most likely left by Leila on the bed. My heart was racing for a multitude of reasons but I didn't take a second thought as I slid Adam's mail into my pocket and opened the window. There was a sturdy ledge above the front door that was far down enough to step onto and get to the tree branch against the house. It was as challenging this time as it had been the first when Adam and I snuck out to the park and stared at the sky with the stars blinking at us. It was one of the moments that were so small but will forever hold a spot in my soul. Now, the scale would normally be easy but with exhaustion and fear and a macabre of emotions swelling up in me, it was difficult. Somehow I managed to get to the ground without any injuries, and when I stepped on the pavement I hit the ground running. The cold nipped harshly at my skin with the intensified chill from the dead of night, the streetlights making an eerie loom above my head. Thankfully I knew where I was going and the lamps lit the sidewalk enough to miss the mistakes I usually had and tripped. But I was determined. In internal agony and fatigued, but determined. My head erased everything just in time for me to make it to my destination without breaking down to get hypothermia.

I knocked on the door and clawed my eyes to get the tears away as words and pictures flashed across my vision from liberation of memories. What am I doing, I thought, it has to be past midnight—there's no way she'd answer to anyone at this hour. Just as my hopes were degraded for the many-ith time tonight, the door swung open and a confused and tired-looking Allyson stared at me. That's when I began to cry and she pulled me inside, rocking me back and forth as I mumbled nonsense of Adam and notes, tear after tear dripping from my eyes when I finally heard the door shut quietly.